FILE FOR UMM…EMPLOYMENT

Have you ever seen this sign? “WILL WORK FOR FOOD”

What you did do:
(1)  Rolled up your car window and looked straight ahead.
(2)  Handed over some loose change – maybe a buck or two.
(3)  Said, “I would help, but I don’t have any money right now.”

What you didn’t do:
(1)  Said, “You know what, there is an opening at my company and I can get you started right away.  Hop in!”
(2)  Said, “There are a bunch of projects I need done at my house and you look like the perfect candidate.  I can pay you $25 per hour.”

man sitting on street
Photo by malcolm garret on Pexels.com

Over 30 million Americans currently filed for unemployment claims. That means there are close to 30 million Americans performing the exact same behavior they once scoffed at.  Saying they would work for food “if they could only get a job” but taking whatever loose change the government extends out of the car window.

THE CHALLENGE: Rewind the clock, if you just stepped off the Mayflower you’d be faced with challenges much more severe than you are currently experiencing.  You’d breath the same air, work with the same soil, and utilize the same natural resources in order to get on with your life.  Did you know in 2020 you still have a MAJOR advantage!
(1)  You can access milk and cookies
(2)  You have access to toilet paper (maybe)
(3)  You probably have access to a device in your pocket with this thing called the internet.

If you spent the last few years of your life stuck in a candy crush coma or trying to find out what the fox says – it’s time to wake up and go do something important. Go choose you.  Here’s a tip, add value to society and your bank account will increase (even if you have to wear a cloth face mask).  So what do you say… time to file for employment?

MONKEY TRAPS

Want to trap a monkey? Put a banana in a cage with a hole large enough to fit an outstretched hand but too small to fit a closed fist.   Donkey Kong will grab the tasty treat and refuse to let go.  BAM!  You’ve got yourself a monkey….and you didn’t even have to climb a tree.  Easy right?

yellow banana on hand
Photo by Kimona on Pexels.com

 

 

Now, how in the world would you catch a human? The exact same way!  Have you ever heard of car dealers offering a free vehicle by way of stick-to-itiveness?  It looks like this:
(1)  A group of contestants place their hand on a coveted vehicle for as long as they can stand it.
(2)  Short 10 minute breaks are provided periodically – leaving insufficient time to accomplish bathroom breaks, eating, sleeping, stretching, etc.
(3)  The last “man” standing wins.

Sounds easy, but most people will tell you it wasn’t worth it. And why would they?  It’s a monkey trap.  It’s not like they competed for a few minutes, not even a few hours, try keeping your hand planted in one spot for a FEW DAYS!

Do contestants get a few moments of fame? Yup.  But who’s the real winner here?  Sure, the attention goes to the contestants, but the SPOTLIGHT is on
(1) The car dealer
(2) The sponsors
(3) The media outlets

Many of the so called “winners” don’t even get to keep the car; they just get to ride it around until the lease runs out. My point?  Just like the monkey – we REFUSE to let go, even if we get the short end of the stick…or should I say banana?

We aren’t far removed from President Trump’s campaign trail. What was his strategy?  To let roll off his tongue whatever words were necessary to dominate the press.  He in turn got lots of free marketing.  He made it very noisy for competing voices to break through and deliver an alternate message (you know…the stable kind).  The media became the monkey and it couldn’t let go.  Voters only knew one title, “Crooked Hillary” – so they voted Trump.  The media loved all the ratings during the campaign, but they didn’t get to keep the car.

Enter the perfect storm. Coronavirus + Donald Trump.  This here is the ultimate monkey trap, and MOST hands are stuck inside.  Turn to the media outlet of your choice and you will undoubtedly find a headline or two, or five, or twenty-five about the virus and or how the president is reacting to said virus.

You know what’s crazy? We can turn it off and tune it out.  Really!  The ENTIRE globe is thinking about this math problem.  Unless you are the one coming up with the cure, maybe consider letting everyone else do the thinking on this one.  You can go solve other problems.  Be of service.  Educate yourself.  Organize your garage.  Do some spring cleaning.  But DO NOT live in fear.  I’m not saying be reckless or clueless – but you can pull through just by following the CDC guidelines and recommendations from local leaders.  Or maybe that won’t be enough.  MAYBE YOU WILL DIE – in which case you can revisit this post.  But, either way, you will die, so holding onto this banana is no way to live.

THE CHALLENGE: Let go.  Get your hand out of the cage.  Stop giving attention to the car dealership.  You could be mastering your craft in order to buy your own car in cash and while you’re at it, fill it to the brim with bananas.

 

CUSTARD CURES

Imagine with me for a moment that the world was coming to an end, or that society was saaaay….upside down.  Envision people running to and fro crying out that nobody could tell them what to do or how to live, not the government, not a prophet, not God himself, that all that stuff is just madness. 

Image that all the while, people failed to stock their shelves with the necessities of life and failed to plan ahead.  Imagine they purchased the fruit, but not the fruit tree (and only after the Fudge Rounds were sold out).  They bought the bread, but not the flour to make the bread.  Imagine that it was like Black Friday every… single… day…, but instead of toys, people were buying toilet paper…and LOTS of it.  Not for friends and neighbors,  but for themselves.  Imagine there was no toilet paper left on earth, as if there were a deadly plague going around.  Surely the children of Israel cried out, “Who needs Moses when there is all this toilet paper?!”  Not that the world is coming to end or anything.  But, lets face it, your life is (sorry fam)…and probably not from the virus that’s making you scoop up all the Scott and Charmin anyway – so stop dwelling on it.

Besides, I’d rather have dish soap.  Yeah, yeah, TP can wipe the brown custard like substance off your crack (as well as being a useful fire starter).  But dish soap is much easier to store, can wash a virus off my hands, can wash my clothes (not to mention dishes), can ALSO remove the custard like substance from off my crack – and even BETTER than tripple ply Cottonelle (it’s called a shower people), and Dawn does a darned fine job at shining my jewelry… in case the virus DOES kill me (Who doesn’t want to look their best in a casket anyway?)

Today my beloved wife scraped her knees when my lazy dog played dead between her 8.5 minute per mile feet.  My thoughts in order were:
1)  I hope she’s okay
2)  That was embarrassing
3)  Life goes on

(Sorry if my stoicism offends you.)

Yes, people are dying all around you from COVID-19, but it doesn’t mean you won’t scrape your knees today. People are dying all around you for a plethora of other reasons too (and having birthdays ruined).

Today, someone is likely to die from a vehicle collision, cancer, heart failure, snake bite, spider bite, shark bite, and even choking on a bagel bite.  Someone will fall off a ladder, slam their finger in the car door, loose a finger at the saw mill, and accidentally poop their pants while searching for toilet paper on an empty Walmart shelf.  You are not immune from any of them

THE CHALLENGE:  Worry about the stuff that matters!  Be a responsible citizen, Coronavirus is indeed the “F” word, but don’t stop living your life because others are dying. While you are on lock down, put the Fudge Rounds away and try learning something new – like how to be self sufficient. Maybe try baking a loaf of bread or learn how to grow something edible. Just in case, you know, the world decides to come to an end.

A LESSON FROM CORONA, KENNY AND KOBE

Growing up my dad loved the oldies as well as a little country music.  I could stomach the oldies, I even enjoyed a few songs.  The country – not so much.  Kenny Rogers was a household name, my dad loved the guy!  But now my dad is dead.  In fact, Kenny Rogers is dead.  He died of natural causes 2 days ago.  As a young child you don’t think about death.  It felt like my dad would live forever.  It felt like Kenny would live forever.  It felt like I would live forever.  By the way,  I wonder how many people will get a Kenny Rogers tattoo?

Kobe Bryant died a few weeks ago.  I watch as much basketball as I listen to country music (zero) – combine that with my stoic nature, and you’re looking at someone who simply wasn’t as shocked as the rest of the world.  Of note, I found it baffling how many people came out of the woodworks to get Kobe tribute tattoos (but that’s a discussion for another time). 

Today, the news is reporting that the Corona virus doubled in a week to surpass 300,000 cases (add another 17,309 at the time of writing this).  Currently 13,671 deaths have resulted from the virus.  That’s a lot of tattoos!  (Maybe start investing in ink and needles instead of toilet paper – but I digress.)

I am going to die.  You are going to die.  Someone you love is going to die.  Maybe not from a helicopter crash, maybe not from a virus, but die we must.

Sometimes I ask people how long they think they will live and how they think their life will end.  When the question is reciprocated I answer, “cancer.”  But my answer changed today.

Here’s a prediction for you – you will die just like Kenny Rogers – of natural causes.  I too will die like Kenny Rogers.  We will all die like Kenny Rogers.  Everything is a “natural cause.”  It doesn’t matter if it’s a helicopter crash or a virus, cancer or a gun, drowning or electrocution, hanging from a tree or hanging on a cross.  It’s all natural.  It’s part of mortality’s condition.  Whether you suffer or go in peace, have your life taken by another person or take it yourself, it’s still the same result – DEATH. 

THE CHALLENGE:  Take a lesson from Corona, Kenny and Kobe.  The virus isn’t even dead yet and there are ALREADY a bunch of tattoos for that thing (Google if you don’t believe me).  Live your life valiantly.  Do what you love and be the best at it.  Leave your mark (pun intended).  Be unforgettable.  Measure yourself by the number of people who measure themselves by you.  COVID-19 changed everything in a week, you can make decisions to change your life just as fast.  Will you make the changes you want to see or continue to procrastinate?  Think about it.  Corona gets the job done because Corona doesn’t procrastinate – another 1,247 confirmed cases just in the time it took me to write this.  Go do something.  Make a change.